Ministry of Funny Walks

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Today the phone rang, and you always know its trouble when ‘Blocked’ appears on the screen. It’s always someone official, being officious, whilst doing there best to sound like the training told them to be; friendly and disarming. It was the Department for Work and Pensions, reviewing my case on receiving disability allowance, which was thrust upon me by the council. You have to update them of your status, otherwise governments will fall and frightening official statistics will appear on Channel 4 news in a colourful 3D graph. The operator thanked me for contacting them and then launched into an interview on my status.

“Can you walk for five minutes with one crutch and not stumble or fall over?” She asked.
“So far, yes,” I said.
“And can you cook a simple meal, or take a piece of chicken out of the oven?” She probed.
“Yes, skinless chicken,” I replied to engage a response. Nothing.
“That’s great you’re improving. I saw the medical records, you were quite in the wars weren’t you?” She paused and then added, “we’ll stop payment now. Is that alright?”

I’m not sure if I said no, that’s absolutely ridiculous it would have swayed any decision. The state has decreed me non-disabled, as long as I don’t fall over within five minutes of walking down the road.

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